9:18 p.m. - Monday, Oct. 24. 2005
We knew it was coming but didn't want it to!
It�s raining, and doesn�t look like it is going to give up and stop anytime soon, however I don�t really mind, it suits my mood just fine. I remember another rainy/cold stretch of weather and it also involved a death. I guess we all knew that this one was coming though; the docs thought it should have come and went 3 years ago. I�m talking about my brother in law who is on the losing end of a cancer battle. The signs have been there slowly, back something like 5 weeks go they stopped the chemo because it wasn�t doing any good and just making his life horrible so they stopped that, he wasn�t as sick but still weak and not feeling all that great. I think it was last week sometime they said that it was in his liver. Monday they asked Cindy if she was prepared to make a decision to stop the feeding tube. **he has had one for the last 2 � yrs thanks to the cancer starting in his stomach and ruining his digestive track** She said as long as he was able he would be making those decisions. Well last Wed. he had gotten progressively more confused, and Thursday they talked to Cindy again about how the toxins were beginning to build in his body because of the liver slowly shutting down, causing the confusion and some anxiety. They then did his blood work on Friday evening and Sat. the nurse called and said the feeding stuff they were giving him wasn�t being absorbed anymore and causing his levels to rise so they discontinued his nourishment. I guess he was lucid yesterday morning but this was the last time. He had a bad night on Sat. up every hour or so, then got weaker and weaker as Sunday wore on to the point that he couldn�t stand and communicate and to anxious which brought on the atavan drug. I don�t know about you but this drug scares the begeebes outta me. They kept my mom on it in the hospital in Pitts when she was so very sick, and now it is in essence putting my bro in law in a sudo coma where he feels no pain and sleeps all the time. The girls, his daughters and I thought maybe is they backed the atavan off he might become more lucid and at least know people were there with him and for him, but the nurse said she didn�t think he would and if he did become more lucid it might bring on anxiety if he realized what was happening. So I guess it is best he just sleeps is last days away. Cindy, his wife, is determined to keep him home and let it happen there. I do believe it was his wish to not die in a hospital. I wish his 3 daughters didn�t hate her so much. They think she has withheld information about his condition from them and whatnot. I know she hasn�t been a model wife at times but then again I don�t know anyone who is perfect. She put them terribly in debt, when he was making very good money, but he must have loved her at one time or another, he married her. His daughter Stephanie called us yesterday and told us how he wasn�t doing well so we went in last night and their pastor was there the prayers and talk he was saying really was hard to listen too. We all just sobbed through the one prayer. After the pastor left we just hung out together. We came home about 8:30 or so and I went back in today about Noon thirty, with sloppy joes and lunch meat for sandwiches some veggies and dressing to feed all these kids. I just hung out with them today and let them all know that I was there for them and helped them pass the time. I�ve a special place in my heart for his girls who�s Mom wasn�t gone a year from cancer when their Dad was diagnosed with it. Now they are going through losing their other parent, but this time they are staying by his side unlike with their Mom who lived a few hours away so they couldn�t be there. They also don�t get alone with Cindy like I mentioned and this makes for some tension, and I hope that I can help them bridge this when I�m there. I don�t chose sides because it isn�t my place to. You know Cindy could have put him in the hospital and let them take care of him, or a home when he got to the point of where he was being confused, but she didn�t she cared for him lovingly, from what I could see, the girls will swear that whenever she was mad at them she was mean to their dad, but I�m not sure about that but then again I wasn�t there all the time to see what happened. I thought I would put some scrapbooks together just some mini ones and invite them all to bring their favorite photos with them and around the holidays to make a nice small book and celebrate his life and think of the good times. I might even begin with a prayer and end with like a little memorial ending prayer because that is what it would be is a crafty memorial. I�m glad I did tell him I loved him when he was still with his mind and that he meant a lot to me as a brother in law and will hold dear the good times. I hope my husband has done that so he doesn�t have regrets, although I think men deal differently. I came home and we went back together tonight and just visited with one of his Pdot worker buddies and his brother in law and his wife on Cindy�s side and Mom and the girls. I have a perm in the morning and plan on spending the rest of the afternoon there because I have hair in the evening so hubby boy will have to go in by himself if he wants to; being that he is still holding on. The one nurse told the girls it would probably be only a matter of a couple days before his liver shut totally down. Cindy didn�t hear that so she isn�t sure, but look at the picture this way, he doesn�t have an IV the only fluids he is getting is the bit of water that she mixes his medicine with and the water to flush the ports after she gives his meds. I know you can sustain life for quite a few days without nourishment however without enough fluids it is quick. I�m not sure how much fluid that totals up to but I guess he passed urine twice today which probably isn�t all that good but he at least is getting some fluids. I have a headache, not only is it stressful but I have this horrible head cold and that doesn�t help. I try really hard to keep my germs to myself by washing my hands and using tissues when I touch my face. My cold is a mute point at this time since a cold isn�t going to affect him now. I think tomorrow will be a long day so I think I might just take some heavy duty cold medicine and head off to bed, and hope I can sleep tonight. I kept dreaming last night and didn�t sleep well.
Always Remember and Never Forget�.dance like nobody is watching and live like tomorrow is your last day. **ok so I couldn�t remember all of it but this is what I wanted to say!!**
