12:34 p.m. - Tue., July 18, 2006
I hate being in a funk!! Bring on the drugs!!
Well I need to do something, some how, some way to get me outta this funk I seem to have fallen into. I�m gaining back the weight I have lost, I�m moody and easily depressed, I don�t feel nearly as resilient as I used to.
This funk is so obnoxious that I�m letting all the stupid stuff with my stupid siblings bother me again. The really funny thing about that is� they didn�t care to talk to me when I was panting after them like a puppy and always wanting to suck up to them, as a matter of fact about 8 yr. ago they all wanted to watch football so I hung out with the kids and not a single soul wanted to come to talk to me. Not ONE! I think it was then I figured out that if they cared more than a football game then it was just a show that they wanted me there but really they only really wanted to visit with me if there was nothing better to do. Slowly I have grown some spine and have started choosing who I want to spend my time with, and much to their chagrin it isn�t with them. Sue thinks I�m an overbearing know-it-all and really doesn�t like me. Joyce well she has her moments I know she prefers Jill�s company to mine and I don�t have a clue as to her relationship with Sue right now, but to be absolutely honest I told her husband Greg that they need to back off and be nicer to Laurie **they are helping my brother gut the inside of his house which burnt back in the 80�s when it was my grandma�s, and rebuilding the inside.** this is all well and good and yes they have a small budget but they aren�t borrowing the money so when it comes right down to it even though they are doing a ton of work on that house which was their choice they she keep quiet about how Jack decides to spend his money. The incident at Easter when Jack gave me the money for the camera to take photos at his wedding Joyce went ballistic and asked me why I wasn�t doing them for free and that he didn�t have money for that it was for the house. I let her make me feel like crap for quite sometime, but I have come to realize that it doesn�t matter what she says or thinks. Jack and I are cool with the whole thing and it is none of her business. I wish I had enough back bone to stand up to these sisters of mine and let them really know how I feel and how they can pretty much jump off the face of the earth. You know when my brother in law died Jill was the only one to offer anything and it was greatly appreciated and it made me feel better knowing that I had someone�s love and support when I was desperately trying to support my husband and mother in law. You know on one hand I think why do I deserve anything from them when I don�t do anything for them, and think I need to pay attention to what is going on so that I can be supportive somehow, but on the other hand I just want to wash my hands of all of them unless they come to me or show me they want a relationship with me other than holidays and weddings and funerals. I�m so torn about them it�s pathetic really. I just don�t know what to do. I know it breaks Mom�s heart when we kids don�t get along. Well I am getting along just fine with them as long as I don�t have to see them. I guess I don�t play the game well, I can�t see them and put on this whole act that I�m happy to be there and overjoyed to see them when it is actually tearing me up inside about how they really don�t care I�m there or even �like� me that much they just include me because I�m their sister. I hope this purging of emotion with help. I think I need to do something St. John�s wart or something.
Well I�m off to do my hair drink my coffee and get to work!!
Always remember and never forget�one can�t be in two places at one time. Well at least not effectively!!
