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9:15 p.m. - Sunday, October 16, 2005
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I must be PMSing or just being pissy I�m not sure, but I am not giving into my dumbass husband. I try really hard to be a decent person and a good parent, but he shows me no respect in the manner that as soon as my back is turned he lets the kids do whatever it is they want and says it isn�t important for anyone to listen to me. Well he doesn�t say it but that is how it comes off to me. So last night, granted my timing was very off and wasn�t appropriate at all but I was tired and upset because it clicked. I�m not sure if I mentioned it or not but last Sat. I worked all day, then Kay went with Nathan and hubby boy went hunting. I asked Paul for some help and he rolled his eyes and gave me the attitude that he was sulky and didn�t want to do anything. During this whole discussion I asked Paul how he would feel if I used the same attitude toward him whenever he asked me to do something for him like picking him up at golf and such. I didn�t think he would ever say anything that would hurt me well, he said, �I would just ask Dad he would do it without attitude.� This so upset me and hurt me since the whole thing is he totally missed the point and you know at least pretend you respect me and are learning a lesson when I�m talking you. So last night I realized that the reason he said that was because Don has sent the clear and concise message that it doesn�t matter if anyone listens and respects me that just placate me and then do what you want. So last night I called him on it. I am so angry hubby boy made it out that I was just criticizing him and totally missed the whole point. The point I wanted him to see was that respecting someone is about supporting their decisions even if they disagree and in that case they should talk about it with the person. All I want is a little respect. I had started this entry this morning when Tiff called and I talked to her for a bit then hubby boy came back in and I just felt I needed to be away because I was in a yucky frame of mind. So I got ready to go to the movies and Kay was going to come with me when hubby boy told me good bye and I just couldn�t say good bye like nothing happened so I tried again to explain how I felt and why I talked to him about this in front of the kids and asked him if this was remotely reminiscent of other discussions/fights we have had in the past. He said �no� of course. Well I begin to explain *Kay called it lecturing* about how the whole respect thing worked. I�m talking to my family and realize that not one of them is looking at me. They were all supposedly listening but none of them was remotely making eye contact. This, of course made me angry. I told them about it and said that was disrespectful in itself. I just don�t feel like anyone wants to listen what I am saying, mostly because it isn�t something they want to hear. OYY!!

So Kay and I leave and Kay is great at helping me talk it out, so she says you know Mom, averting of the eyes is a submissive thing. Like when you yell at the dog she lowers her eyes and head. HUMM I don�t know maybe I am a big old meany and really don�t want to listen to me. Sigh. I don�t know. Tiff shows me respect in this way, and I really appreciate it from her. I don�t know I just want my kids to grow up and live happy lives and I think that communication and respect are things they need to do this. I wanted my kids to see how things can be talked about and worked out not to let them just fester and build up over a period of time and then be to large to overcome. It know it is tooooo dang late to do a thing about my husband, you know the whole can�t teach an old dog new tricks well that really applies to my hubby boy. He is happy being set in his ways and enjoys it when he can be horrible that way I do think. I sometimes don�t give a crap because well the only thing I am passionate about is that kids and well I am hoping that we have done well enough to help them be happy well adjusted and good people. I love them so much.

So I am going to get past this and hope that the kids will be alright and deal with the fact that sometimes my hubby boy can be the biggest pain in backside and this is putting it very very nicely. I don�t really care for him much about now, at least not till he apologizes, and shows me he can try to respect me.

Enough on that dead horse, Kay and I watched the movie Elizabethtown and to be honest it was nothing like what I thought it was going to be. It was a story about a journey about getting to know oneself and falling in love with a weirdo. Kay says she totally agrees with this analogy. It stars Orlando Bloom and Kirstan Dunst. It is one of those movies that the first time you watch it you kinda walk away going, humm I know there must have been some more meaning to that. I am glad it did have a good ending. After that movie we went and did the grocery shopping and then picked up Kay�s boyfriend on the way home and he brought the movie Final Destination. It was a pretty good movie it was about this kid who saw the plane that he and his classmates were boarding explode and then he went nuts and they took 7 people off the plane and as they were sitting there in the terminal the plane takes off and explodes. So they think he has something to do with it. It goes on and there is a creepy undertaker that tells him about ticking off fate and how he doesn�t want to mess with that! It was a pretty good movie except for the whole John Denver songs that play just before most everyone is killed. **all but one I think.** Nonetheless it wasn�t a bad movie and I enjoyed watching it with Kay and Nathan. Paul was at CCD this evening. He doesn�t like it but that is too bad he can do what he wants with his life after I finish my job of giving him a religion and my duties are complete which will be when he gets confirmed.

I�m really tired, I think yesterday was a long day at the crop and today was a hard emotional day and well all and all I am really tired and I think I might just get my jammies on and warm a nice big heating pad and curl up with the book I�m reading right now until I fall asleep. In case you�re wondering I�m reading a Thomas Kindcade and some co-author�s book called Cape Light. It is a nice light story about every day life in a small New England town, sorta reminds me of Cabot Cove, Maine, I keep thinking there will be a murder soon. For those of you who aren�t familiar with Cabot Cove, Maine, that is the little quiet town where Jessica Fletcher lives and solves murders and writes about them too! Murder She Wrote is one of my favorite shows and this book reminds me of her and her little town, but there hasn�t been any murders as of yet, and I�m thinking there won�t be. This book is more about all the things humans struggle with in daily life.

Well I do believe I am ready to end this day and sleep well tonight. I didn�t use my oxygen last night cause I hate the whole nose thing and wanted a night without it, but I dreamed most of the night and don�t think I slept very well.

Always remember and never forget�a wise man holds his tongue till the appropriate time to speak.

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