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3:32 p.m. - Aug. 20 & 21, 2005
Illusions!
Aug. 20, 2005

I so want to write because there is so much going on right now, but I don�t know how I feel about it and that makes for hard writing for me. I have to have things sorta sorted out in my head before I can write them down. I can�t believe it has taken me almost a week to want to even begin this entry which I am thinking will take quite a few visits before I can get my mind wrapped around all of it.

First I want to talk a little bit about illusions and deceptions. An illusion is something that appears to be real but isn�t, deceptions are something are purposely done to deceive someone. Illusions are purposely created to for one reason or another but maybe not for harm. Sometimes the deceptions are harder to deal with than the actual issue. Finding out someone is not who they are can be an illusion created by someone who in spite of the filthy horrible person they are loves them and doesn�t want others to speak or think badly of the SOB. Is any of this making any sort of sense?? I tend to be gullible, **and I know there is coffee spewing on monitors from those who find this very funny and very much an understatement, thanks for the support guys,, hehe.** Anyway I tend to not be able to see through illusions that have been perpetrated, because I believe most everything I�m told. So let�s see, I guess I should begin with the story.

Remember a couple of weeks ago I was out at my parent�s house and my dad gave me his old roll top desk?? I was thrilled it is just a wonderful keepsake. While I was there my dad came across his Dad�s dog tags, captain�s bars and a clover leaf or some sort of star thing from the service. Ok, I thought this was really cool, I never really knew my grandfather as he was already sick when I could begin to remember but my sister who is 3 yr. older than me remembers him with a vengeance. I was excited so I showed her the stuff I got from Dad and she dropped them like they burned her. She looked at me and said I�ll tell you about that man someday. Well we looked at some photos from bygone days of family reunions and as we were walking to her car she told me about our grandfather, and trust me I now hate even applying that name to him since his behavior was anything but. She told me how he took her up into the haymow on his farm *which was right next door and we spend a great deal of our childhood there* and tried to rape her as a child. He exposed himself to her and when she wouldn�t quit crying after some time he gave up and let her go. She also told me that he did this to a few other of our cousins. I had always heard bits and pieces of stories people said about him leave gram on the farm like that and having mistresses in Pittsburgh where he supposedly worked. You see my gram was a God fearing and forgiving person she never spoke ill of her husband and taught me to forgive things because we don�t always know what is at work causing people to act the way they do. Funny those words spoken over and over to me at very young ages and through my teen years never really meant as much as they do today 5 years after she is gone.

I have to end this here for now because I need to go to work as clients will be here very shortly.

Aug. 21, 2005

The clients came and the clients went looking much better than when they walked in, but I didn�t get a chance to get back here, or maybe I just didn�t want to get the chance to get back here. This whole thing bothers me something terrible. How could a man like that have a son like my Dad or is everything I believe about my Dad just an illusion too? I so badly want to believe that what I know to be true is truth and not illusion. I have no reason to believe otherwise. I wonder if my Dad has any idea that his father was a horrid horrid man who should have been castrated and tortured!

I guess I should just get past this because there isn�t a thing I can do about it. What a horrible thing for my sister and cousins to go through. I admire my sister for being the person she is. I love her so much and to think about that... Poor thing. I guess she told my sister Joyce, but I don�t know when or anything. OYY!!!

Well moving on this has been a very busy week. Football cheerleading practices have been every morning this week and will continue through the first day of school here in a week and half. I can�t believe summer is over and I don�t want my kids to go back to school. I just want them here with me a while longer. Sometimes I feel optimistic about a new start and sometimes I just feel depressed about them leaving me. Sigh� I am coaching football cheerleading with Tiffany this year. It seems that it is a bit more running than wresting because we have JV games on Monday�s and then Varsity on Friday�s. I guess though it isn�t any different than having 2 matches a week. I counted up the weeks of football we have 10 weeks of this season. I think wrestling is about 12 weeks so I guess it isn�t more but it seems like it. I guess I was used to having Monday�s off last year.

This week is also the Crawford County Fair, the largest agricultural fair in PA. How cool is that. It is the 60th year. It seems like it was just yesterday that we were celebrating 50 years. We usually go up every day to eat dinner and hang out with friends. I like hanging out with my hubby boy.

I was invited over to my friend�s house for a campfire tonight but her bro in law will be there and while it was fun one night flirting and verbally sparing with him I feel he would cross the line and that makes me uncomfortable so I made up an excuse to not go over tonight, although she really did call and ask me to come and made it sound like he really wanted me to come but I would rather walk around the fair with my hubby boy. So that is what I am going to do. On that note I think I should probably get dressed and get ready to go. Kay cut my hair short and cute today. I love it! I think hubby boy thinks it is too short but dang it I get to warm with it long and hanging on my neck.

So� Always Remember and Never Forget� suckers will ooze out sticky all over if left in a hot vehicle for too long!

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