11:33 p.m. - 2004-09-24
Don't bother this is not a good entry.
Gosh I should learn to not write at night and I had planned on not really posting anything that wasn�t more up beat but I�m thinking tonight I don�t really care. I have apparently done stuff to piss people off and upset the calm and I didn�t know it or mean to do it, but yet I get to enjoy the consequences. I have made a couple of decisions and well I guess that one was made for me and I have made the other one.
The very funny thing is they both were forced by a group. The one I am not going to talk about here but the other I will share. The one involves a group of parents of cheerleaders. Our football cheerleading coach decided that since the JV girls didn�t get to cheer in front of anyone because no one goes to their games that they could cheer some of the home games with the varsity girls. This was told the girls 2 weeks ago and the crap didn�t hit the fan till this week. I had a mother call me and ask what I thought and I said it was a wonderful time for the JV to see how the Varsity girls shine and set a really good example for them and would be good team work and cooperation and help the JV see what they could do if they worked really hard, and that if parents looked at it that way then it would work out just fine. However the parents got pissed that their daughters had to have the JV there when it was a Varsity event and it was wrong that their daughters paid the price doing JV for years and blah blah blah. I stood by the coach and said kids won�t learn respect unless they see it. I thought it was very disrespectful for those parents to bad mouth the coach and threaten to take it to the school board and such. OYYY!!! I know why I am not a member of the boosters. I do think though that by not agreeing and siding with those parents I have now made them dislike me. As much as I say it doesn�t matter if people like me or not or that other things don�t matter deep down inside they do, and this evening I feel like I have been disliked two fold. I will be the wrestling cheerleading assistant coach for this upcoming season and am looking forward to a good season. I�m glad I have a good coach to work with, not that I will have to do anything..hahaha she is that good all I have to do is cover for her if she can�t make it or something.
I hate trying to do the right thing all the time,, I hate it,,, I really do but because I want that from others I do believe I need to be that way cause there is nothing I can�t stand worse than hypocrite and I give it my best shot to not be that way. I really wish I could just spew hateful and hurtful things but I know I will just regret it because that is the way I am so I won�t, but I hate not being able to let myself do it.
I also really hate myself when I feel hateful towards anyone. It just seems that even if I try to do my best at stuff things still happen and then something leads to something else and even if I haven�t done something wrong the consequences lead me to become hateful and sad over things. I guess that I will learn not to reach out and I will learn that I shouldn�t belong to stuff because I just get hurt. I hate getting hurt because then I begin to feel hateful towards whoever hurt me. I don�t like this feeling and I wish I could just banish it. It sounds so easy on paper and I try my hardest to do what is good and right and not be churlish and nasty. I hope that writing this will help me deal with things better and that I won�t feel quite so bad in the morning. I see a pattern and I think that I shouldn�t do anything or be apart of anything that isn�t in my own little home. When will I learn and how many more times do I need to be hurt before I do learn.
Tomorrow is a new day and I will feel better and I will look forward and not harbor ill thoughts of any kind, and I will pray that these hateful feelings go away and let peace take hold and move me forward. The good thing about tomorrow is I have got some work in the shop and that usually makes me feel soo much better. I do already feel some what better and like I said tomorrow is a new day. I will accept people for what they are and move on.
A twofer�. Always remember and never forget�there will always be someone to stir the muck and be an instigator of unrest you can NOT change that.
Always remember and never forget�. I don�t fit in so I should quit trying it only ends up in heart ache.
